Stepfathering A Teen

Anyone marrying a woman who already has children had better be prepared. You are about to open a can of worms that only The Lord can straighten out. I thought I had all the answers. I have read the instruction book, I am the head of my household ... God said so; and that is all there is to it. Right? Wrong!

All the best intentions and scriptures in the world will not help you if you have suddenly become a stepfather to today's teen. Not without prayer, prayer, prayer ... and information from experts in applying these Biblical principles. (Psalm 1:1)


I married my wife because of her personality and devotion to the Lord. Having three failed marriages, I was very careful in getting involved with anyone who wasn't sold out to the Lord. Having found, by the Grace of God, this woman, I mistakenly thought that her 16 year old son would just accept the way things are because God said so. Wrong again.

Today's teens are probably under spiritual attack more so and to a higher degree than any generation before. Satan seems bent on the total destruction of the world's youth. Teens are under more pressure today than anytime in history that I am aware of. Many experts seem to agree. This doesn't mean that you have to give in to a teen, or somehow let them undermine your position in the home. It just means you have to apply it with wisdom and guidance from Biblical perspective, and expert advice.

Then there is the issue of resentment that all stepchildren suffer toward their new stepparent. Any child old enough to remember their home before it broke apart will resent and even hate this interloper who has suddenly been thrust upon them. And no matter how long the courtship, it will probably feel sudden to them. Preparation is the key to success. I hope that you have invested a great deal of time in getting your future blended family to know one another. The stepchildren wield a lot of power that you will be better off recognizing and utilizing in your behalf from the start of the courtship. If you can get to know them and they get to like you before they feel threatened, so much the better.
(A word of caution: ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. Don't change after you get married. This holds as true with children as it does with your future mate.)
Nobody likes to feel like they have fallen for a forgery. If you have taken time to try to get to know them, and even if they claim they like you, it will all change after you say "I do". That's when you crossed the line. Every child of a broken home holds a deep-seated hope that Mom and Dad will someday be together again. In the case of the death of a parent, there will still be resentment of this outsider coming in, especially when the child is older. As far as they are concerned, "me and mom are doing just fine on our own".

For my stepson, it was a little sudden. He met me only two months before the wedding, as his mother and I were carrying out a long distance courship. Then I made the mistake of moving in with them after the wedding. He felt very secure on his own turf, and I found myself in a losing battle of wills, late night TV, loud music, disrespect for his mother and I both, and refusing to pick up after himself. When we moved to my home, I thought I had a chance. Wrong again.

Now the resentment deepened. It may have been much better if we had moved to a place new to everyone. Somewhere that would put everyone on an even footing and less intimidating to the children. The thing is with stepchildren; you have to earn their respect more than with your own children. A stepchild doesn't have the opportunity to grow up knowing you and trusting you from day one. It is much easier being worthy of respect, then earning it from an adolescent whom is hostile toward you.

One of the mistakes I made was in assuming headship before he was willing to give it to me. His mother and I should have had a well thought out plan and agreement as to how discipline was to be invoked, through her with my silent backing. A stepchild will try the "divide and conquer" attack. As far as they are concerned, if Mom takes their side, they have won, and the head of the house just went to the bottom of the food chain.

Your first and last defense from resentment and hostility is prayer, followed by consistency. I would highly recommend a prayer partner outside of the family. Your pastor, or a brother who can be praying with you and for you. Do not use as your prayer partner any of your family. This can build animosity against your spouse, no matter how hard we try not to. We are only human, and sinful in nature, so don't put your spouse in a spot where she could feel alienated by her in-laws!

Your next defense is to have a working agreement with your wife about yours, mine, and ours. This agreement should always follow Biblical principles for the household. You must be in agreement and pray together, and the Lord will guide you to the right solution for every problem if you earnestly desire and seek His will and direction. I know that my wife and I would have been divorced after only a few months without this earnest seeking of God's will and direction. Our children resented our marriage, and in some ways actively attempted to cause as much dissention and strife as necessary to break us apart. It was only our commitment to God's principles and the Lord's intervention that brought us through.

This issue of yours, mine, and ours will be a changing and developing relationship between stepparents and stepchildren as the family grows and bonds over time. At first stepchildren will challenge their stepfather's Biblical authority in the home. They do not feel that you can "order" them around. After all, mom married you ... they didn't. Your wife will feel like she is in the middle of a battle that is a no win situation for her, if you try too hard to get her "on your side". Prayer and a calm discussion are the best ways to diffuse any conflict. I used to tell my stepson to go to his room until I calmed down. While he cooled off, I would also be cooling down, and discussing the issue with my wife. Then he and I , with his mother, would hash out whatever had arisen. Sometimes this would maker her feel that she needed to defend her son, even if he was wrong. It's a mother's instinct, and instincts come up suddenly, then you are an attacker, not the man of the house. A cool head and prayer will always prevail. And remember the intent of Scripture for the head of the house is to be a leader ... not a tyrant.

Shared beliefs between a husband and wife, based on strong Biblical principle, is the foundation for successful step-parenting, and marriage. Love and compassion, balances authority, and must be delivered calmly and consistently. Family time in prayer and Bible study, and just having fun is so very much an important part of blending a family. One of the highest priorities any man can give his family, is leading them in prayer and Bible study. This one act, mended wounds and drew my family closer together in spite of my many mistakes. When I would open God's word and be man enough to tell the kids that I'm sorry, when I was in the wrong, was the single act that earned me more respect then any other.

"Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethen, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are therunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no gile."
The KJV (Cambridge: Cambridge) 1769.