{"id":4910,"date":"2018-03-10T16:02:47","date_gmt":"2018-03-10T16:02:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.fatherville.com\/?p=4910"},"modified":"2018-03-10T16:08:47","modified_gmt":"2018-03-10T16:08:47","slug":"dads-dont-should-on-your-daughter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/2018\/03\/10\/dads-dont-should-on-your-daughter\/","title":{"rendered":"Dads, don&#8217;t &#8220;Should&#8221; on your Daughter"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"mcnImage aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/gallery.mailchimp.com\/f357d410faa707a370a6bfe04\/images\/118dc04b-8d39-4331-8982-20085ba796b7.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"564\" align=\"center\" \/><br \/>\nBy now, Dads, you know that I <strong><em>love<\/em><\/strong> giving you \u201cinsider trade secrets\u201d so that you are more equipped to decode your daughters. Today I\u2019m adding another tool to your fathering tool belt to support that goal.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know what it is about the word <strong><em>\u201cshould\u201d<\/em><\/strong> that makes it a power word on my planet of Venus, but I\u2019m telling you that I literally hear this word <strong><em>all the time!<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Here are some examples of things I\u2019ve heard from women <em>just this week <\/em>(for real!):I <strong>should<\/strong> love this time of year, but I just don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_33573\"><em>I probably <strong>should<\/strong><\/em> <em>have dealt better with that situation and not let her get to me. \u00a0<\/em><\/li>\n<li id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30264\"><em id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30263\">I don\u2019t know what\u2019s wrong with me\u2026I <strong>should<\/strong> be grateful for all the good things happening in my life, but I\u2019m just so depressed.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>All of my friends are doing things right&#8212;like saving money, moving towards marriage, buying a house, getting pregnant, and on it goes. When I see all that\u2019s going right for them, it makes me think of what I\u2019m not doing and all the things I <strong>should<\/strong> have been doing long before now. I\u2019m way behind where I want to be and won\u2019t ever catch up.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I know I <strong>should<\/strong> care about the people in my life, but I hate all the drama and I\u2019m sick of caring this much because it takes me down.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I guess you get stuck on a path in life of where you think you <strong>should<\/strong> be.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>When I get around my friends, I constantly compare myself to them and think that I <strong>should<\/strong> be more like them. But the truth is that I feel like a fraud. I don\u2019t fit in because they\u2019re all prettier, richer, and more accomplished than me.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I <strong>should<\/strong> be getting up earlier and spending more time with God, but I never get that right either.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I am so stressed right now and feel so much pressure constantly to make everyone happy&#8212;-at work, at home, with my friends, etc, and it seems that someone is always disappointed in me or mad at me. I know I <strong>should<\/strong> be doing more, but I can barely keep my head above water as it Is and hardly have any time for myself.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Dads, let me ask you a question:<strong><em> Does your heart break like mine as you hear these collective voices of self-condemnation that are doused with a thick dose of unrealistic expectations, smothered by the constant pressure to measure up? <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>For me, as I worked my way down this list, I noticed a mounting heaviness, even some sadness, as each self-deprecating sentence unfolded. Every one of these women feels like she\u2019s not <em>doing<\/em> enough or <em>being<\/em> enough while seeing herself as falling short when she compares herself to those around her. It all amounts to: <strong><em>SHE\u2019s not enough<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>In fact, it\u2019s this comparison game that is destroying her self confidence, her happiness, her inner peace, her joy, her optimism, her perspective, her energy\u2026and on it goes. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m guessing you\u2019ve heard similar messages from your daughters.<\/p>\n<p>Let me share with you how I typically respond to these kinds of statements when I am sitting in my counseling office or meeting with women I mentor. Here\u2019s what I say time and again:<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>\u201cDon\u2019t \u2018should\u2019 on yourself.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>As you can imagine, initially there\u2019s an awkward laugh\u2026and that\u2019s part of my strategy for lightening the atmosphere in the room, even if just for a minute. When a woman starts down the dreaded <strong><em>\u201cshould\u201d<\/em><\/strong> path, my desire is to guide her to see what it\u2019s doing to her. And I\u2019ve discovered that most women don\u2019t even know they\u2019ve said these words until I\u2019ve pointed them out!<\/p>\n<p>Now here\u2019s the best part:<strong> I notice that a positive shift begins to happen<\/strong> <strong>when a woman clearly sees<\/strong> <strong>the amount of undue pressure she\u2019s putting on herself. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s an even greater shift when she admits that she\u2019s caught in a destructive cycle where she can never succeed, never relax, never enjoy life, and never get out from under the tyranny of her own self-degrading messages. Then I love seeing her breathe a sigh of relief as the truth starts setting her free.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"mcnImage aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/gallery.mailchimp.com\/f357d410faa707a370a6bfe04\/images\/426b369f-394c-4553-a390-d89bc941faa0.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"564\" align=\"center\" \/><\/p>\n<p>Now that you\u2019re more informed about the mental struggles that tend to barrage us as Venusians, I want to point out that <strong>even though you as her dad don\u2019t intend to add more pressure when addressing things that need changing<\/strong>&#8212;whether it\u2019s that she didn\u2019t respond right or do what she was supposed to do or didn\u2019t answer right away you when you asked her a question\u2026or\u2026<em>fill in the blank<\/em>&#8212;<strong>the reality is that your daughter is often weighed down by your <em>\u201cshould\u201d<\/em> messages. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30364\"><strong>What she hears is that she\u2019s a failure and a disappointment to you. And since she already believes that about herself much of the time anyway, it\u2019s oftentimes more than she can bear. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30366\">And yes, her attitudes and behaviors are things that need correcting and shaping at various times and in certain situations\u2026<em>BUT<\/em> <em>REMEMBER:<\/em><\/p>\n<ol id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30367\">\n<li><strong>It\u2019s all about timing.<\/strong> Wait until you\u2026<em>and she<\/em>\u2026are in a good emotional space where you are able to convey your message well, which increases the chances that it will be received positively by her. Otherwise, it\u2019s a recipe for disaster.<\/li>\n<li><strong>It\u2019s all about noticing.<\/strong> Before speaking, take the time to listen and find out if there\u2019s something deeper going on that may be causing her to be sour or unpleasant. If she\u2019s already had a bad day, decide that now isn\u2019t the time to <strong><em>\u201cshould\u201d<\/em><\/strong> on her. Come back and talk to her later if you want to reach her heart. And you\u2019ll see that it\u2019s always a win when you speak to her heart \u2013 the deeper part \u2013 before speaking to her behavior or attitude.<\/li>\n<li><strong>It\u2019s all about validating.<\/strong> Make it your goal to hear her side of the story while seeking to understand why things went down the way they did. Wait to give feedback until she\u2019s open, and with this slight course correction in <strong><em>WHEN<\/em> <\/strong>you respond<strong>, <em>HOW<\/em><\/strong> you respond, and <strong><em>WHAT<\/em><\/strong> you say when you respond, you will increase the likelihood of a successful interaction.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30368\">If you\u2019re a dad who doesn\u2019t want to <strong><em>\u201cshould\u201d<\/em><\/strong> on your daughter anymore, decide today to delete the word <strong><em>\u201cshould\u201d <\/em><\/strong>from your vocabulary, and instead, find other words to make statements, ask questions, or nudge her to action.<\/p>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30369\">And just in case you\u2019d like to have an alternative script in hand for the next time a situation like this presents itself, here\u2019s a way you might try saying it to her:<\/p>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30370\"><strong><em>\u201cIt seems like you have a lot weighing on you right now. I know when I\u2019m stressed and feeling pressured to do everything right, I get overwhelmed too\u2026maybe in different ways than you, but stress still impacts me somewhat the same.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30371\"><strong><em>\u00a0I\u2019d love to better understand what you\u2019re feeling and thinking,\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><strong><em>so if you\u2019d like me to listen or help, I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p id=\"yui_3_17_2_1_1520309991920_30372\">Why not try it out and let me know how it goes. Better said, I really think you <strong><em>should\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>try this and then let me know how it works!<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>Dr. Watson has a clinical counseling practice in Portland, Oregon, and has served in that role for the past 20 years. She also has the privilege of being up close and personal with girls in their teens and 20\u2019s over the past 35+ years in such roles as camp counselor, mentor, teacher, and speaker. You can find out more about Dr. Watson on her\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.drmichellewatson.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">website<\/a>. You can also listen to her on the\u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/www.drmichellewatson.com\/podcast\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Dad Whisperer Podcast<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>By now, Dads, you know that I love giving you \u201cinsider trade secrets\u201d so that you are more equipped to decode your daughters. Today I\u2019m adding another tool to your fathering tool belt to support that goal. I don\u2019t know what it is about the word \u201cshould\u201d that makes it a power word on my [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"give_campaign_id":0,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4910","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dads-with-daughters"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4910","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4910"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4910\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4915,"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4910\/revisions\/4915"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4910"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4910"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4910"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}