{"id":614,"date":"2016-04-26T04:42:26","date_gmt":"2016-04-26T04:42:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fatherville.com\/?p=614"},"modified":"2016-04-26T04:44:27","modified_gmt":"2016-04-26T04:44:27","slug":"burned-bridges-when-your-daughter-writes-you-out-of-her-life-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fatherville.com\/index.php\/2016\/04\/26\/burned-bridges-when-your-daughter-writes-you-out-of-her-life-story\/","title":{"rendered":"Burned Bridges: When Your Daughter Writes You Out of Her Life Story"},"content":{"rendered":"

This article republished\u00a0with permission from Dr. Michelle Watson<\/a><\/p>\n

I love it when a father takes time out of his day to write in response to something I\u2019ve written. And because those messages touch me deeply, I am careful to take the time to respond in a way that lets each one know I care about his situation.<\/p>\n

A recurring theme I hear in these emails is that of dads who are estranged from their daughters telling me they are a bit lost when it comes to figuring out what to do next. Their hearts are often breaking and they don\u2019t know where to turn. I can truly say that it is an honor to be trusted with their stories.<\/p>\n

Serving to illustrate the pain inside a father\u2019s heart, here’s what one dad wrote:<\/p>\n

Why is it hard for my daughter to want me in her life? I ache in my heart and feel a part of my life is missing. My sister and daughter are very close and she says I need to release her to God’s providence. I can’t imagine my life without her. I need some wisdom. Thank you.<\/em><\/p>\n

What would you write back to him if you were me? Could I ever write something that might come anywhere close to matching the intensity of his pain? I think not.<\/p>\n

I often feel that any response I give will either be a disservice to the complexity of his situation or might negate the backstory of his daughter\u2019s decision to write her dad out of her life story. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Yet in each response I seek to put my heart on paper while encouraging him to never give up on his girl. I continually share my hope that he will keep pursuing her heart—going after what he knows matters to her–while also honoring her requested need for space. Tough balance, to say the least.<\/p>\n

One of my close friends has been recently going through this kind of agonizing distance with his daughter. For three years he has had very little contact with her. I\u2019ve asked him to share more about the real underside of this kind of heartache from a dad\u2019s perspective. With his permission, he vulnerably lets us into his process.<\/p>\n

Michelle: Have you understood her reasons for distancing from you or is that still a puzzle?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad:<\/strong> Yes kind of. She has a lot of anxiety and I cause her to be nervous. I was the \u201cjustice\u201d parent and she hates to displease me. Her perception is that she displeased me a lot as a child \u2013 that was not my perception. She was the apple of my eye. When she was 12 she began distancing herself from me. I thought it was normal teen angst \u2013 but I realize now that it was much deeper than that.<\/p>\n

Michelle: What has been the hardest part of her being gone?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad:<\/strong> I miss her terribly. It\u2019s very frustrating not knowing what\u2019s going on in her life and I want to help her but I can\u2019t because I don\u2019t know what\u2019s happening.<\/p>\n

Michelle: Is there anything you can share about what your thought process has been like in understanding\/coming to terms with\/being honest about the role you\u2019ve played in her leaving home and not wanting contact with you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t realize how sensitive she was to even the slightest negative comment. I\u2019m not a screamer \u2013 and I\u2019m much more encouraging than my dad was to me. So I figured I was doing okay. I tried to say three times as many encouraging things as corrective things. But still her anxiety has made it hard for her to hear anything but condemnation.<\/p>\n

Michelle: What would you tell other dads whose hearts are breaking as a result of their daughter closing the door and rejecting them? How do you <\/strong>really<\/em>deal with it when you literally are helpless to reach her, change her mind or draw her back?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad:<\/strong> You have to get to the point where it\u2019s not about you. At first I used to think, \u201cThat little brat. She\u2019s so ungrateful.\u201d I thought about retaliating– to teach her a lesson. \u201cIf things get really bad for her then she\u2019ll finally appreciate me.\u201d This is the stupid dialogue that went on in my head. But over time my anger cooled and I began to see the bigger picture: It<\/strong> doesn\u2019t matter who\u2019s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship. So I gave up my right to be right and waited patiently for her to communicate with me.<\/strong> That started again a couple of months ago.<\/p>\n

What powerful and healing words:\u00a0\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter who\u2019s right. What matters is the restoration of the relationship.\u201d<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0(click to tweet<\/a>)<\/p>\n

This dad came to terms with the fact that his daughter’s heart mattered more than his own hurt. Taking a humble, yet strong, stand like this must start with you, Dad.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve spoken with many dads who admit they\u2019ve had a significant role in destroying the bridge between themselves and their daughters. I want you to hear that I\u2019m not standing in judgment of you for the past, but I am challenging you to take the initiative and make amends <\/strong>today.<\/em><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve read my blogs or my book, you\u2019ll recall me saying that men would rather do nothing than do it wrong.<\/strong> This applies to making amends too. Perhaps you\u2019ve held off crossing the bridge to her heart because you think too much time has passed or she\u2019ll never talk to you again because of an offense. This is where you\u2019ll have to be wise moving forward. I\u2019d suggest starting with a letter if she\u2019s not okay with seeing you or doesn\u2019t feel safe with you. Or perhaps texting–without expectation of response–is all she can handle right now.<\/p>\n

But no matter the path you choose (or are forced to choose if she has closed the door), you\u2019ll have to honor her boundaries and track with her level of comfort in the potential rebuilding process.<\/p>\n

And never underestimate the power of prayer. <\/em>She may not be okay with you talking to her today or tomorrow, but you can always talk to God today and tomorrow. Write out a list of things you will commit to praying for daily <\/em>until you have answers from Abba Father God. Ask for miracles so that your daughter\u2019s heart (and yours) can heal.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Another key piece of the rebuilding process (if this is where you\u2019re at with your daughter) is to lay your weapons down<\/strong>. You can\u2019t approach her with defensiveness or in \u201cattack mode\u201d if you want to repair the bridge.<\/p>\n

If you care more <\/em>about her hurt and her heart than you do about your position and being right, then here are some guidelines for rebuilding the bridge to her heart:<\/p>\n

1. Ask questions with a sincere desire to know the answer.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI know I hurt you with my words yesterday. When you came to me I didn\u2019t listen well. You were right about that piece. I want to listen now. Can you please tell me again what you want?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

2. Ask forgiveness for specifics, not generalities.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cLast night I was tired after work and took it out on you. I saw the look of hurt in your eyes when I got angry, yet I chose not to meet you in the way you needed me to. Will you please forgive me?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

3. Never mix amends with criticism (subtle or direct).<\/strong><\/p>\n

(This is an example of what NOT<\/em> to say) \u201cI know I was harsh, but so were you. If you want to tell me now what you were saying last night, I will try to listen. But you need to meet me half way and not be as emotional this time around.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure it goes without saying that this last tactic will bomb. The key is to picture her heart in yours and proceed with caution.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the offense from a dad to his daughter (sexual, verbal, physical, or spiritual abuse, for example), you may have to live with the bridge the way it is for now or perhaps forever. What I do know is that any demands on your part will backfire, especially if there has ever been any misuse of power between you.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s your daughter who will set the rebuilding pace.<\/strong> And if she\u2019s got the \u201cstop sign\u201d on her life and heart held up toward you, your best options are to:<\/p>\n